Unanswered Prayers


Don’t ask God to move mountains.

You don’t know where she might

decide to put them.

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Guys, close your eyes.

Imagine you have a

daughter.  Imagine she is dating a

guy just like you.  Did you smiel?


Me, neither.

Honestly, I was hoping

for a lesbian.

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It’s Never Too Early To Start Planning for Yog-Sothoth


Time decides who you meet

in life, your heart decides

who you want in your life and

Cthulhu decides when

you’ve outlived your usefulness.

Happy Yog-Sothoth Day

May it not be your last.

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One-Way Love


I love you

to the moon.

It turns out that

jet fuel is expensive,

but I’ll think of you

all the time.

I made you a sandwich.

We only had tuna,

I hope that’s ok.

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Do you have a flag?


98% of my dating choices

boil down to whether

or not the person knows

the correct answer

to the question

“Cake or Death?”

with bonus points

for knowing what happens

after you answer


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I Keep Trying


“Excuse me, Ma’am.

But have you considered math?”

For some reason, door-to-door mathematicians

never caught on.

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I Need a Tarp Over Here


When you

start looking

at people’s

hearts instead

of their face,

someone usually

calls the police.

So plan to work


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Happy Finals Week, Bwa Ha Ha Haaaaaa!



If you show a person

how to be a dentist,

they’ll be able to

ruin a life for an hour.


But if you show a person

how to be a math teacher,

they’ll be able to

ruin a life


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Like a Good Little Boy


“It’s messing people up, this social pressure to ‘find your passion’ and ‘know what it is you want to do.’  It’s perfectly fine to just live your moments fully, and marvel as many small and large passions, many small and large purposes enter and leave your life.  For many people there is no realization, no bliss to follow, no discovery of your life’s purpose.  This isn’t sad, it’s just the way things are.  Stop trying to find the forest and just

get back on your knees and finish the job.”

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