Dammit! Where's My Chocolate?

I think as you grow older

your Christmas list gets

smaller and the things you

really want for the

holidays can’t be bought.

You’d be surprised

at what a gallon of blood

and a plain white candle

from Pier 1

can do, though.

(I’m not the only one who goes to home improvement stores and imagines that all those suburban housewives are buying fancy candles for secret black magic rituals behind those perfectly-appointed doors next to immaculately-mowed lawns, right?)